THE TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT PAPERS
"We'll do ANYthing for the environment!"
(The following articles were taken from various
issues of the "Frisby City Times and Weekly Gazette".
They appeared at varying intervals and are presented
here in chronological order.)
STRONZO AND ASSOCIATES
TO BUILD TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT
IN SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES
(By Slimon Slieze)
Los Angeles has made a mighty leap forward in its
progress toward a complete recovery from the rioting
after the police assault on Rodney King when it
signed with Bruno Stronzo an agreement to build
and operate a toilet paper recycling plant in South
Central Los Angeles. This is the second such agreement
reached with the Stronzo organization.
The first involved building and operating at key
locations in South Central six olfactoria similar
to Stronzo and Associates flagship facility in Beverly
Hills but modified to cater to the more downscale
habits and tastes of those patronizing these new
facilities.
This agreement was signed at a champagne gala in
City Hall with Mayor Bradley, Peter Ueberroth, Arnold
Schwarzenegger, and a host of other celebrities
in attendance. Television reporters covering the
event likened it to the Academy Awards ceremonies.
Mr. Stronzo himself arrived about fifteen minutes
late for the event as his limo tried to pick its
way through scores of other ones converging on City
Hall with the movers and shakers of Los Angeles
society.
Most of the men and women in attendance were wearing
the latest top-of-the-line Stronzo fashions which
in recent years have become de-rigueur among the
toniest and most upscale people in Los Angeles.
Even rock musicians were wearing that understated
Stronzo look that distinguishes them from rock
musicians everywhere else--but only to the most
exclusive glamour cognoscenti from the creme de
la creme of the Los Angeles fashion world.
This understated LA look, unfortunately, is no longer
unique to Los Angeles since it has become the fashion
of choice among the nouveau capitalist riche in
Russia and the other countries making up the former
Soviet empire.
Still, even though the finest of Los Angeles fashion
is no longer unique to LA, it got some of the rockers
attending the ceremony out of a nasty scrape, for
there were those who had drunk too much champagne
at the event and started acting a bit rowdy around
City Hall.
Several of them started shooting up with an
undetermined substance. All of them stoutly maintained
that they were diabetic and it was insulin.
The police, however, were somewhat skeptical and
prepared to haul them in. The officers arresting
them were wearing those new designer gloves bearing
the Stronzo logo that have become so fashionable
in police circles in recent years.
As soon as the police discovered the VIP Stronzo
tags on the clothing of the rockers, however, they
immediately released them with effusive apologies
and drove them to their limos, which were parked
some blocks away.
A police spokesman told us that they took fully
three hours to locate their limos, for the streets
around City Hall were still littered with them,
and all of them looked alike.
Shortly after getting the rockers safely into their
limos, the police arrested a deranged homeless man
who was spraying all of the limos around him with
Raid, shouting at the top of his lungs that the
whole city was being invaded by an army of giant
cockroaches and that the end of the world was near.
It was so easy to lose oneself in the tony but
uninhibited festivities at City Hall that soon almost
everyone forgot what the celebration was all about.
We, however, very carefully pocketed our press releases
from the Stronzo organization.
Briefly, here is what they contain: Bruno Stronzo
has agreed to construct a toilet paper recycling
plant in South Central using the very latest of
recycling technology. It will be constructed at
an accelerated pace to get it on stream as soon
as possible.
In return for its investment in management knowhow,
Stronzo and Associates will get construction funds
from both the city and the federal government and
will receive 100 percent tax credits for all its
operatioins from the city, state, and the federal
governments for the next fifteen years (with options
for renewal) in recognition of the Stronzo
organization's demonstrated leadersthip in bringing
new jobs to Los Angeles and developing important
new strategies for protecting the environment.
"For many years now, Los Angeles has been very good
to us," said Mr. Stronzo to scores of his admirers
while toasting the newly signed agreement. "And
now it is time for us to give something back."
..............................
PROBLEMS IN TECHNOLOGY
PLAGUE CONSTRUCTION
OF TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT
(By Simon Slieze)
Everyone in Los Angeles has been saddened by a long
series of problems plaguing the toilet paper recycling
plant currently under construction in South Central
LA for Stronzo and Associates by the General Dynamics
Corporation.
The biggest problems are with the technology itself,
originally developed by General Dynamics under contract
with the Navy, which wanted to explore ways it could
demonstrate increased environmental sensitivity.
After commissioning a $14.8 million environmental
impact report describing the effects of its ships
on the marine ecosystem, the Navy decided to clean
them up somewhat by developing a system to recycle
their toilet paper.
Both General Dynamics and Rockwell submitted bids
for the project of $5.4 billion, and the Pentagon
had a very difficult problem choosing between
companies.
"Someone suggested that we could just flip a coin
to make the call," said a Pentagon spokesman. "Then
someone else pointed out that this would be a very
un professional way of handling the problem."
Fortunately, the Pentagon quickly found a way out
of this impasse when General Dynamics resubmitted
a confidential bid of $5.29 billion.
"All of us breathed much easier when we got this
new bid," said another Pentagon spokesman. "We
had one of our most senior contract men working
on this problem, and I must say he handled it
exceptionally well."
Two months after the agreement was concluded, this
contract officer retired from the Pentagon. All
his colleagues were unusually disappointed when
he left.
"He was an exceptionally good man in his field,"
said someone who had worked with him for years.
But before long General Dynamics hired him as a
contract consultant, and now we are very lucky to
have access once again to his inputs and feedback,
though now they come from a slightly different
perspective, of course."
The toilet paper recycling project, unfortunately,
ran into some unexpected technical difficulties.
"Most of the trouble centered around the electrolytic
method we decided to use for initial recovery,"
said a high-level Pentagon engineering consultant.
"It demanded much more electricity than we originally
thought would be needed, and it was enough to overwhelm
the power system of even the most powerful of the
Navy's ships."
A senior team of engineers was dispatched to examine
the problem. They felt that if they could redesign
the primary electrodes, they could reduce power
demands to a reasonable level. The Pentagon agreed
and authorized another $3 billion to finish the
job.
There were an extra $4 billion in cost overruns,
unfortunately, and an independent team of engineers
brought in by the Navy concluded there was no
possibility that the power/sludge processing ratio
could ever be made significantly more favorable.
The engineers at General Dynamics were greatly
disappointed that their funds were cut off, for
they felt they were on the verge of a breakthrough
and could solve the problem with only an extra $500
million.
Both teams of engineers, however, agreed that the
efficiency of the system could be greatly increased
if it were scaled up enough to process the used
toilet paper of a city of over 2 million; for in
a recycling facility of such a size, it would be
practical to supplement electrolysis with chemistry.
On the basis of this prediction, Los Angeles chose
the General Dynamics over the Rockwell systems.
Another reason was that prototypes for the General
Dynamics system had actually been built; and even
though their demand for electricity was excessive,
they had actually been shown to work.
Unfortunately,, the electricity demands of the General
Dynamics system, even when scaled up, were still
outlandish. According to one engineer, they were
even greater than the electricity needed by plants
processing bauxite into aluminum. Another senior
engineer working on the LA recycling facility described
the problems in these terms:
"We have gotten SOME reduction in electricity
requirements per pound of sludge processed in a
test unit, but it is not as much as we expected,
and the Department of Water and Power is frightened
it may not be able to supply the energy needs of
the project."
There is a light at the end of the tunnel, however,
for this technical problem seems to have a technical
fix.
"The pipeline we are building from the Hyperion
sewage disposal plant to the recycling facility,"
said another engineer on the development team, "should
contain enough methane gas to fuel
internal-combustion-driven generators that will
cover at least fifty percent of our power needs
and bring external power requirements down to
acceptable levels."
These generators, unfortunately, were not included
in the original contract. President George Bush,
however, authorized supplemental funds to buy and
install them.
"This project is an important investment in the
future of America," said the President. "And as
your Environmental President I am committed to see
this facility built and operating as soon as possible,
for it is a prototype forming an important part
of the future infrastructure of America."
..............................
POWER AND CONTRACT PROBLEMS
PLAGUE THE TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT
IN SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES
(By Slimon Slieze)
Problems still continue to plague the construction
of the toilet paper recycling plant in South Central
Los Angeles and have led to some criticism of the
project in certain quarters.
First there have been the technical difficulties.
We have already reported that the technology the
city chose for the recycling plant, developed by
General Dynamics originally for Naval ships, will
use up a lot of electrical power.
At first, project engineers believed that the pipeline
carrying the sludge to the recycling plant would
have enough methane gas to generate half of the
electricity needed for all toilet paper recycling
operations.
"These estimates, most unfortunately, turned out
to be much too optimistic," said a senior engineer
on the project. "We now know that the methane-powered
generators will produce only forty-five percent
of the needed electricity at the very most. More
likely, they'll meet only around thirty-five percent
of the demand. If they meet as much as forty, then
I will be utterly amazed."
The Los Angeles Department of Water and Power said
it will be able to supply the remaining power demands,
but only if it can build a new distribution station
next to the plant. Other DWP representatives, however,
don't know how they will get the money to do the
job.
"I don't know how we will be able to pull this off,"
said a high-level spokesman at the DWP. "We are
operating on a very tight budget as it is, and I
just don't see how we can get the money to build
the high-tension lines leading to the substation
and the station itself."
Mayor Bradley's office did not seem to be particularly
worried.
"Somewhere we will find the money for this project,"
said the mayor, "for it is very important to Los
Angeles. Not only will it supply many needed jobs
to South Central, it will put Los Angeles on the
cutting edge of environmental technology and make
it a model that all other world-class cities will
rush to imitate."
Another DWP spokesman was not so optimistic: "Even
if we get the money to build both the lines and
the station, where will we get the money to buy
the extra electricity we will need from the regional
power grid once the recycling plant starts running
during daytime peak-consumption periods? These
problems, I fear, could lead to rolling blackouts
throughout LA for the first time in its history."
Power-supply problems, however, are but one of the
difficulties faced by this project. Another one
is General Dynamics' choice of subcontractors.
The company sees this problem as very important
and is treating it with utmost urgency.
"We deeply understand the community's need to be
economically involved in the construction of the
plant," said a local PR spokesman for General
Dynamics. "And we are doing everything we can to
increase local community involvement. But you must
remember that much of our subcontracting is highly
technical, and most of our subcontractors must be
comfortable with working in a highly technical
environment. In the meantime, we have awarded many
pipeline contracts to local firms--especially for
trenching, in which South Central firms have
demonstrated exceptional expertise."
...............................
FINANCIAL AND TECHNICAL PROBLEMS
PLAGUE TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT
IN SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES
The toilet paper recycling plant now being built
in South Central Los Angeles by General Dynamics
has been plagued with all sorts of problems from
the beginning of its construction.
First there were technical problems, the most serious
being its huge demand for electricity. These problems
showed up shortly after Naval commanders decided
they wanted to lower their impact on the marine
environment and awarded General Dynamics a contract
to develop shipboard toilet paper recyclers.
Eventually, the Navy had General Dynamics abandon
the project because of huge cost overruns and the
conclusion by a panel of impartial engineers that
it would never be posible to lower the power demands
of these shipboard recyclers enough to keep them
from being an undue burden on the power generating
capacity of even the Navy's largest ships.
Both General Dynamics and this neutral team of
engineers agreed, however, that this toilet paper
recycling technology would prove practical for cities
with populations of at least 2 million since the
electrolytic methods, which were the only practical
ones for shipboard use, could be supplemented by
other types of chemical separation.
These hopes in time may not be fulfilled, however.
Even the gigantic Los Angeles toilet paper recycling
plant is projected to require much more electricity
than had previouly been thought necessary, even
with the introduction of chemical techniques.
At first, project engineers were not worried. They
were confident they could generate half they power
they would need from the methane gas coming in with
the sludge on the pipeline they have been constructing
from the Hyperion Sewage Disposal Plant.
Unfortunately, funds for the methane-powered electrical
generators were not included in the original contracts
for the project. At the eleventh hour, however,
they were produced when President Bush himself gave
his unqualified support to the project because it
embodied his concern for the environment.
Now, however, it turns out that these methane-powered
generators will not perform as expected and will
produce only between 35 and 40 percent of the power
required for the project. Some engineers, in fact,
insist the figure will be closer to 30 percent once
the plant goes into operation, and the Los Angeles
Department of Water and Power does not know how
it will raise the funds to supply the extra power
needed.
As if these weren't problems enough, the program
has also been plagued with alleged financial
irregularities. Bruno Stronzo hired Neil Bush to
help him with the finances for the project, and
he has established several slush funds that have
partly found their way into the pockets of a variety
of high-level functionaries in Washington. As soon
as this information was made public, Mr. Stronzo
held a press conference in which he irately refuted
all charges of wrongdoing.
"First of all, it is ridiculous to give the name
"slush fund" to the special financial reserves
established by Neil Bush," said Mr. Stronzo. "It
is true that they do not follow standard accounting
practice established by the AICPA, but Neil Bush
is a financial genius and does not have to follow
AICPA practices any more than Picasso had to follow
the standard artistic practices of his time."
Mr. Stronzo surveyed the reporters at the conference,
looking impatiently down on all of them as if they
were nothing more than ignorant children.
"Let me make one thing perfectly clear," he said.
"We hired Mr. Bush only because of his tremendous
financial expertise, nothing more. And it is only
because of his tremendous talents in this area that
we pay him as handsomely as we do."
After Mr. Stronzo made this statement, several
reporters asked him why so many payments were made
to high functionaries in Washington, including a
very high, though so far undisclosed, account to
Dan Rostenkowski of the House Ways and Means Committee.
"These payments wee completely legitimate and
justified," said Mr. Stronzo. "A lot of people
in Washington still are insensitive to the environment,
to put it mildly, and see no value at all in
recycling. Most of this money was paid to educate
them to the need for sound environmental practices."
At this point a faint halo of light appared around
Mr. Stronzo's head.
"I am sure that the Greens of all people should
greatly appreciate this service that we have been
performing for them without charging a thing," he
said. "And, I might add, it is a service we have
performed with great pleasure out of our tremendous
unselfish concern for the cause of environmentalism."
Mr. Stronzo was then asked about the money he used
to undewrite some of Mr. Bradley's trips to Europe
and Asia.
"It truly pains me when you misunderstand so greatly
my philanthropic intent in this matter," he said.
"On each of these trips, Mr. Bradley has spoken
about environmental degradation and the various
strategies that can be brought to bear to combat
it."
A reporter at this point mentioned that Mayor Bradley
talked mostly about the toilet paper recycling plant
while traveling abroad.
"Of course he specifically mentioned this toilet
paper recycling plant, because all of us in this
city are very proud of it. He also talked about
the latest development in glamour analysis, in which
I have a certain internationally recognized expertise,
but only because he appreciates the kind of work
I have done in the past. On a recent trip to Russia,
he talked about my newest lines of designer clothing,
which are becoming very popular among consumers
in the newly emerging upscale market in that country."
Mr. Stronzo stopped, raised his upper lip into a
slight sneer, and cast an angry glance at all the
reporters present. All of them shook visibly.
One of them fainted. Another one urinated in his
pants.
"You must remember that Mr. Bradley is an adult
and is free to talk about whatever he wants whenever
he goes abroad. Even though I am very grateful
when he talks about our new toilet paper recycling
plant and my glamour analysis business on these
trips, I recognize that he is a grown man, and I
wouldn't presume to tell him what to talk about
myself, so why should anybody else?"
At the end of the conference, everyone gave Mr. Stronzo
a standing ovation. All were happy that he had
deigned to give such clear and cogent answers to
these questions, and only an occasional malcontent
seemed to profess any lack of satisfaction.
..............................
NEIL BUSH UNDER INVESTIGATION
BY COUNTY GRAND JURY
FOR FINANCIAL IRREGULARITIES
INVOLVING TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT
(By Slimon Slieze)
The District Attorney's office announced today that
Neil Bush, the son of President Bush, has been under
investigation by the county grand jury for financial
irregularities in connection with the project to
build the toilet paper recycling plant in South
Central Los Angeles.
"It is imposible for us to elaborate on this further,"
said a spokesman for the District Attorney's Office,
"because the proceedings of the county grand jury,
given the sensitivities of this case, are being
kept absolutely confidential."
As soon as the news of this investigation hit the
media, it gave rise to all sorts of commentary and
speculation throughout the world. Shortly after
the announcement, the President quickly called a
news conference in the White House Rose Garden.
"All of us have been shocked on hearing of this
investigation," he said, "and I want to assure you
that it is completely without a rational basis.
There must be some sort of liberal vendetta against
Neil Bush that is responsible for all this."
The President stopped for a moment and looked away,
obviously trying to hold back tears.
"You all know what it's like in California, I'm
sure," he said. "They don't call it the land of
fruits and nuts for nothing, and I'm sure there
have gotta be some real fruitcakes behind this
investigation."
The President paused and spit on the lawn.
"Why, hell," he went on, "it now takes those stupid
Californians about two months to put together their
state budget. Instead of having the Los Angeles
County Grand Jury investigate Neil, they ought to
give him a job in Sacramento helping them with their
budgets. Neil also has a positively brilliant idea
for privatizing their electric utilities!"
Shortly after the President spoke, the First Lady
came to the microphone.
"I think it is simply AWful the way those shyster
lawyers and ignoramus jurors are going after poor
Neil. George and I are deeply hurt, of course,
but we are tough as nails and we can take it."
The First Lady paused, making an obvious effort
not to burst out crying.
"But our dog, Millie," she said, "is very sensitive
to this sort of thing. Already she is starting
to howl piteously all through the White House.
Now it's fine with me if you want to give George
and me such a hard time. But why are you taking
it out on our poor, sweet, innocent dog?"
After the First Lady made this appeal, there was
not a dry eye among the reporters present, and they
slowly walked away from the conference as if they
their mothers had just died.
Two weeks later, it was reported that Millie once
again had some sort of medical emergency, and John
Sununu, a staunch family friend of the Bushes, came
out of his retirement job as a political consultant
to fly Millie to the family vet in Kennebunkport
in Air Force One. Their departure was delayed for
a couple of hours until a squadron of fighter planes
could be found to go with them on the trip. In
the meantime, Millie was lying on the floor as sick
as a dog.
Confidential sources reveal that Millie's diagnosis
was acute clinical depression, and a veterinarian
psychiatrist was brought in to consult on the case.
He decided to put her on Prozac, and in a couple
of weeks her condition seemed to improve greatly.
John Sununu then returned to Kennebunkport in Air
Force One to pick her up and return her to Washington.
For awhile she continued doing well. Then her
condition turned unexpectedly for the worse, and
John Sununu had to fly her back to Kennebunkport
in Air Force One. Fortunately, he didn't have to
delay his departure this time since the Air Force
had been keeping one of its crack fighter squadrons
on twenty-four-hour alert ever since Millie returned
to Washington with her Prozac prescription.
Shortly after dropping Millie off in Kennebunkport,
John Sununu returned to Washington in Air Force
One just in time for an important speaking engagement
he had with the National Association of Manufacturers.
In the meantime, back in Kennebunkport, a whole
host of verterinarians was flown in from all over
the country and parts of Canada to consult on the
case, so far without any successful outcome.
Throughout this crisis, the First Lady has been
crying all over the White House, and the tons of
flowers and get-well cards she has been getting
from all over the country have not seemed to do
too much to console her.
"It's a very said time for all of us," said a White
House staffer. "All we can do is hope and wait."
..............................
GRAND JURY DROPS NEIL BUSH INVESTIGATION.
PRESIDENT'S DOG RECOVERS.
ALL WASHINGTON REJOICES.
(By Slimon Slieze)
The Los Angeles County Grand Jury today dropped
its investigation into Neil Bush after taking testimony
from character witnesses appearing on his behalf
for fully six weeks.
"I have never seen anything like it before," said
one grand juror after it was all over. "It seemed
like all the board members of the Forbes 400 appeared
in support of Mr. Bush. But to top it all off was
the appearnace of King Fahd of Saudi Arabia and
the Sultan of Brunei, who gave us a tour of his
hotel in Beverly Hills once we decided to drop all
charges."
The juror smiled with the confident satisfaction
of a person who had done the right thing.
"Bruno Stronzo was also kind enough to grace this
event with his personal appearance," he said. "He
fitted us all with entire wardrobes of his latest
line of VIP designer fashions and gave us $5,000
gift certificates for his Beverly Hills olfactorium."
Unfortunately, a few were not able to cope too well
with the heady atmospherics of the event.
"All of us were overwhelmed by the presence of such
glamour," said the grand juror. "Robin Leach was
there and fainted dead away. Someone had to call
the paramedics for him. Fortunately, his camera
crew was able to carry on and record everything
beautifully, so Mr. Leach will be able to do his
voiceovers later on."
Not long afterward, the medical condition of the
President's dog improved dramatically. The next
day John Sununu flew Air Force One from Washington
to Kennebunkport to pick up Millie. This time the
Air Force doubled his fighter escort. As Millie
left the vet's office, a flotilla of Navy and Coast
Guard ships gave her a twenty-one-gun salute.
On the last legs of her return, all Washington crowded
the streets to give the most heartful of welcomes
to our nation's First Dog. The Goodyear blimp flew
overhead flashing a sign reading "Welcome home,
Millie, and God Bless," and the whole city was
hysterical in its jubilance.
Millie herself barked cheerfully at everyone from
the open window of her limo. At one time, she jumped
through the window and ran into the happy crowd,
extending her right forepaw and shaking hands with
scores of people. TV commentators covering the
event compared her political skills with Mikhail
Gorbachev's.
Soon the Secret Service got her back into her limo
and insisted on keeping the windows closed until
she arrived home.
After she drove onto the White House grounds, the
President and everyone in the First Family played
with her in the Rose Garden. When Neil Bush showed
up, Millie barked ecstatically, climbed all over
him as they played together, and licked him in the
face until it was dripping wet. Those present said
the President hadn't been this happy since General
Schwartzkopf gave him his final briefing on the
Gulf War.
Later that evening, there were fireworks shows all
over town, and at the White House there was a special
laser show that ended by showing Millie running
all through the heavens. One of the art critics
of the "Washington Post" described it as "breathtaking
... simply breathtaking!"
All of Washington was definitely in a partying mood,
and things did not get down to a semblance of normality
for the next three days.
..............................
GRAND OPENING OF THE
TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT
IN SOUTH-CENTRAL LOS ANGELES:
EVERYONE IN CITY CELEBRATES
(by Slimon Slieze)
Gala festivities all over the city marked the grand
opening of the toilet paper recycling plant built
in South Central Los Angeles, which is expected
to be a major source of new jobs all throughout
the city.
"This event is a very important turning point for
both General Dynamics and Stronzo and Associates,"
said Mr. Stronzo in City Hall to the applause and
adulation of everyone present.
He briefly paused and smiled at everyone around
him. Some of the ladies present came forward and
kissed his hands.
"For General Dynamics," he went on, "it is an important
demonstration of how defense technology can be
converted to important civilian uses. For Stronzo
and Associates, it marks yet another way we can
serve the public with the unique effectiveness we
have demonstrated over the years."
Celebrations marking this event started in the morning
with a champagne gala in City Hall and the Beverly
Wilshire and Beverly Hills hotels. The whole city
was celebrating with officially sponsored parades
down Hollywood Boulevard, Wilshire Boulevard, and
Central Avenue. There were also spontaneous parades
and block parties in other parts of the city.
Long lines of limos from City Halls and Beverly
Hills converged upon the recycling plant. Traffic
in the area gridlocked, and both Mayor Bradley and
Bruno Stronzo arrived a couple of hours late for
the inaugural ceremonies.
Once they arrived, Mayor Bradley threw a switch
activating the power at the Department of Water
and Power substation, and Mr. Stronzo threw a second
switch that turned on the recycling plant itself.
Five minutes later, some electrical equipment in
the power plant started throwing huge sparks. At
first, everyone was confused. Many thought some
nearby fireworks had prematurely exploded before
they were to be used early in the evening. It soon
became obvious, however, that the recycling plant
was overwhelming the capacity of the substation.
The Department of Water and Power immediately
dispatched engineers to the scene, and after some
very hard work they came up with a quick fix, but
the recycling plant had to operate and only
seventy-five-percent capacity.
Everyone commented on the sound of the sludge as
it dropped from the pipeline into the first separation
tank. Some compared what they heard to belching
or farting. Others thought it sounded like some
UFOs they had seen in the Mojave Desert.
A group of street choreographer soon developed a
dance routine to the plop-plop-plop of the sludge
as it hit the chemicals in the tank below, and some
neighborhood rap singers improvised a song to the
rhythm of the plopping. Their efforts were so
successful that they were hired on the spot to help
publicize the plant and educate the public on the
importance of recycling toilet paper.
Also on display was a long assembly line that will
soon be used for sorting used toilet paper on its
way to the final processing tanks. Some of the
used paper will come in special recycling canisters
from the homes of people in LA. The canisters are
designed in a bright floral pattern and bear the
inscription "Can, don't flush!"
The canisters were designed by staff of Stronzo
and Associates and bear an especially handsome
interpretation of the Stronzo logo on their lids.
Everyone in the city is eagerly awaiting their
distribution because of the very special Stronzo
cachet that they carry.
Mr. Stronzo announced that he would soon be recruiting
large numbers of people from South Central Los Angeles
for collection and assembly-line work at the plant,
and for miles around people were salivating at the
prospect of landing one of these jobs.
"It is much easier to recycle toilet paper when
the used paper itself is fed directly into the tanks,"
he said. "Sludge, after, all, contains all sorts
of things besides toilet paper, and it's not easy
to separate the paper from everything else, though
the engineers at General Dynamics have automated
the process very cleverly."
At this point, Mr. Stronzo gestured proudly at the
seemingly endless number of separation vats standing
around him.
"Also, when you recycle toilet paper directly from
used stock," he said, "you do not have to worry
about disposing of the remaining sludge as we must
always do now. That is why we are soon going to
take a two-pronged approach to recycling used toilet
paper, the first starting with sludge, the second
with used feedstocks."
All those present, including representatives from
the Sierra Club and the Greens, gave high praise
to the plant. In a joint statement, the Greens
and the Tree People said, "We are convinced that
once plants like this become common in the large
cities of the world, there is no telling how many
trees will be saved."
..............................
STRONZO AND ASSOCIATES CELEBRATES
THE INAUGURATION OF A NEW LINE
OF DESIGNER TOILET PAPER
MADE WITH RECYCLED STOCK.
(By Slimon Slieze)
In a gala celebration in Beverly Hills last Saturday
evening Stronzo and Associates marked the first
sale of its new line of designer toilet paper made
from recycled stock.
The first sales took place at the olfactorium and
defecatorium in Beverly Hills operated for some
years now by the Stronzo organization.
Both venues stocked 50,000 roles of this toilet
paper, and even at $180.00 per roll it sold out
in two days.
"I was quite amazed that it sold out so
fast--especially since it retails for twice as much
as my most upscale toilet paper on unrecycled stock,"
said Bruno Stronzo. "When my polling organization
asked why, it discovered that most of my customers
are happy to pay this high a price out of an eagerness
to do something that will help the environment."
The art on this new edition of designer toilet paper
consists of abstract impressions of trees and
rainforests from all areas of the world rendered
in various shades of green on a paper stock with
an understated tinge of brown. Many of Mr. Stronzo's
customers especially loved the color of the paper
stock since they are into scat.
As with his other lines of designer toilet paper,
Mr. Stronzo is producing limited S, G, and P editions
with numbered rolls made of sterling silver, gold,
and platinum. These sell for a much greater premium
than the tolet paper on cardboard rolls.
Already these silver, gold, and platinum rolls are
becoming very expensive collectibles. In recent
auctions at Christies, on of Stronzo's silver toilet
paper rolls fetched $10,000. A gold roll was sold
for $35,000. Two or more rolls with sequential
serial numbers have sold for twenty-five to forty-five
percent more per roll. So far, no platinum rolls
have been sold at auction.
The late Malcolm Forbes is rumored to have twelve
platinum rolls, which he kept close to his Faberge'
egg colletion. He also has a set of thirty-six
Stronzo and Associates platinum cock rings, twenty-four
of which he gave to his various male lovers later
in life. One of these cock rings with a miniature
engraving of Bruno Stronzo's signature was recently
sold at auction by Christies for $255,000.
In other news, the Stronzo organization has announced
that it has hired about three-quarters of the people
it will need to staff the assembly line feeing used
toilet paper into its recycling system in South
Central Los Angeles and expects to start this final
phase of its operations there very soon.
..............................
TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT
IN SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES
INAUGURATES ASSEMBLY LINE
AND HOME COLLECTION SERVICE
(By Slimon Slieze)
The toilet paper recycling plant in South Central
LA has inaugurated its new home collection service
for used toilet paper.
"This is unquestionably the most important phase
of our program," said Bruno Stronzo while surveying
the activities at his plant. Outside, his first
delivery trucks were lined up to be unloaded, and
collection workers were busily emptying their canisters
onto the conveyor belt. The empty canisters were
then sent to another part of the plant for a thorough
washing before being returned to the households
that filled them.
"So far, we estimate half the households in LA have
our toilet paper canisters in their bathrooms,"
said Mr. Stronzo. "As we lease more trucks and
hire more collection personnel, that number will
be steadily expanded."
After the toilet paper is dumped onto the conveyor
belt, huge numbers of separation workers sort the
used paper into pieces that contain snot, shit,
come, or menstrual blood and drop them into larger
canisters, which in turn are dropped onto other
conveyor belts.
"We HAVE to make this four-way separation," said
Mr. Stronzo, "to increase the efficiency of our
electrochemical reprocessing, for these four different
types of used paper must be individually treated
before they will blend in with the stock extracted
from the sludge."
Assembly line workers at the plant, all wearing
water-proof uniforms bearing a handsome rendition
of the Stronzo logo on their backs, seemed to be
enthusiastically at work all down the line. The
ones we interviewed said they were unbelievably
happy to be working once again again--especially
in such an ecologically important occupation. Many
added that they often go to sleep at night counting
not sheep but all the trees their work will ultimately
save.
"This is a marvelous opportunity for all these people
to achieve the American dream of upward mobility,"
said Mr. Stronzo to us in front of an applauding
audience of his new workers. "The ones showing
promise HERE will be candidates for matriculation
into the Stronzo Academy, where they can learn the
basics of operating an olfactorium or defecatorium.
In time, the most promising of them may move on
to our more rarefied courses in glamour analysis."
..............................
LABOR TROUBLES ABOUND
AT TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT
IN SOUTH CENTRAL LOS ANGELES
(By Slimon Slieze)
In the past weeks, labor unrest has started to develop
in the Stronzo and Associates toilet paper recycling
plant in South Central Los Angeles.
According to a group of workers there, the problems
began when management started speeding up conveyor
belts, making it much harder for workers to sort
the used toilet paper as it passed them on the line.
On top of this, accuracy requirements were stiffened.
Previously, workers were thought to do well if they
made no more than fifteen sorting errors an hour.
Now, even with the speeded-up line, if they are
caught making more than ten mistakes per hour three
times a week, then they are let go from the job.
"We had to accelerate the sorting process a little
to increase our productivity at the plant and keep
the price of our used toilet paper close to what
our competitors charge for virgin paper," said Bruno
Stronzo. "We had to stiffen accuracy standards
for our sorters so we could keep the quality of
our final product competitive with what our competitors
are turning out."
Workers organized a grievance committee and went
to the management of the plant asking at least for
a raise in pay so that they can be more adequately
compensated for the added stress resulting from
the accelerated production schedule.
"Unfortunately, we had to turn the request down,"
said Mr. Stronzo. "The added productivity that
comes with even our new production schedule is not
enough to justify any increase in wages at this
time. Workers unwilling to live with these facts
of economic life are invited to seek greener pastures
elsewhere."
There was talk among the workers of forming a labor
union. On hearing this, Mr. Stronzo nodded his
head sadly.
"I can't imagine why the workers at our plant would
want a labor union," he said. "They must remember
that they are involved in an important recycling
enterprise and that their jobs are not merely a
way of making money. Indeed, they are a true calling.
Everyone working here must never forget that their
work here is helping to save our planet. By sabotaging
our efforts, as they seem to be doing right now,
they are ultimately sabotaging themselves."
..............................
STRONZO AND ASSOCIATES
MOVES THE SORTING OPERATIONS
AT ITS TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT
DOWN TO TIJUANA, MEXICO
(By Slimon Slieze)
Stronzo and Associates has just announced that it
is moving the sorting operatiosn at its toilet paper
recycling plant in South Central Los Angeles down
to Tijuana, Mexico.
"We've had it up to here with our labor disputes,"
said Bruno Stronzo, pointing to his neck. "Despite
our very best efforts to foster fair employee
relationships at our plant, our labor force remains
careless and ungrateful, and our labor costs have
gone through the roof. We now have more workers'
compensation stress claims than any other employer
in the city."
Mr. Stronzo shook his head in sadness and disbelief.
"We have had to put up with sabotage on the line,"
he went on. "We have had to put up with a bunch
of lazy workers who sort our incoming toilet paper
so badly that at times we must recycle the same
stock two, sometimes three times before we can get
it up to our exacting quality standards."
Mr. Stronzo then announced that the new plant in
Mexico was being built by Pemex, the national oil
company of that country, which wants to both
demonstrate greater environmental sensitivity and
diversify its operations into areas that are not
petroleum related.
This plant never could have been built without the
support of the Mexican government. At first, Mexican
officials were reluctant to sponsor this enterprise.
In time they changed their mind, however, once the
Stronzo organization hired about two hundred petroleum,
political, and industrial consultants recommended
by the Mexican government who will be working with
Stronzo and Associates on several other environmental
projects in Mexico.
Mr. Stronzo also agreed to build three olfactoria
and defecatoria in Mexico City and two in Guadalajara.
Finally, he agreed to train selected appointees
of the Mexican government in glamour analysis at
the Stronzo Academy in Beverly Hills.
"We regret that we have had to export these sorting
jobs from Los Angeles," said Mr. Stronzo, "but
performing them in Tijuana will cost us so much
less that it will even justify the added transport
costs for getting our used feedstocks to and from
our Mexican plant in Tijuana.
Mr. Stronzo beamed with pride. "On the other hand,"
he added, "this situation definitely has its upbeat
side. We are very pleased to note that the Mexican
government has developed a keen interest in world-class
glamour analysis and our organization is very pleased
to be honored to help them pursue it."
Mr. Stronzo then emphasized that only the sorting
jobs will be lost to Los Angeles and that none of
the colection jobs will be affected.
..............................
TRAGIC EXPLOSION DESTROYS SLUDGE PIPELINE
AND TOILET PAPER RECYCLING PLANT
IN SOUTH CENTRL LOS ANGELES
(By Slimon Slieze)
The sludge pipeline leading from the Hyperion Sewage
Disposal Plant to the toilet paper recycling facility
in South Central Los Angeles burst into a massive
explosion early this morning.
The blast occurred all along the length of the pipeline
into the auxiliary-power engines powered by methane
from the pipeline and sent huge pieces of the engines
flying all over the plant and into the neighborhood.
Both the plant itself and the sludge pipeline were
completely destroyed by the blast and ensuing fires,
and so were many of the buildings surrounding both
the pipeline and the plant.
"Fire was everywhere along the length of the sludge
line," said a spokesman for the Los Angeles Fire
Department. "It looked as though the hand of God
itself had taken a gigantic blowtorch to the entire
length of the line. I have never seen anything
like it. This is an even greater tragedy than the
recent explosion of the sewer lines in Guadalajara,
Mexico."
"There is no way of coming up with an accurate
measurement of the total losses right now," said
a casualty insurance examiner after making a quick
estimate of the damage. "But I would say that at
the very least we are talking two or three billion
dollars."
Within hours of the explosion, Governor Pete Wilson
declared everything around the pipeline and recycling
plant a state disaster area. Before long, he said,
he would be sending in the National Guard to prevent
looting.
Shortly afterward, President Bush declared everything
around the plant and pipeline a federal disaster
area and offered to send in Army troops if needed
to maintain the peace.
The Federal Emergency Managerment Agency (FEMA),
still reeling from criticism for the way it handled
the Hurricane Andrew disaster in Florida, was
determined to show that it now had things well in
hand. It flew in about a dozen helicopters which
dropped down to the frightened, desperate people
below a huge supply of buttons saying, "Have a nice
day" and "Don't worry, be happy."
Mayor Bradley's office issued a prepared statement
deploring the extent of the tragedy and reassuring
all of Los Angeles that the recycling plant would
soon be rebuilt, but not with General Dynamics
technology. This time the contract would be issued
to Rockwell.